


Everybody Loves a Winner

by haemophilus



Series: Transcendental Youth [5]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, College, Drug Abuse, Excessive and Inappropriate Uses of Bananas, Fraternities & Sororities, Gen, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Mental Health Issues, Vignette, gratuitous 90s references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 07:28:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11458890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haemophilus/pseuds/haemophilus
Summary: When Dennis was 21, he loved four things: his fraternity, pretty women, liquor, and cocaine.





	Everybody Loves a Winner

**Author's Note:**

> WELCOME TO THE MUCH AWAITED SEQUEL/MID-QUEL THAT NOBODY ASKED FOR. This stands on its own, but the fics are better together, obviously.
> 
> The content warning list on this thing is going to be insanely long. I am so sorry. I hope I do not miss anything. Dennis is a bad, bad man.
> 
> CONTENT WARNINGS FOR: explicit descriptions of drug and alcohol use, references to drug and alcohol abuse, alcoholism, addiction, blackouts, implied rape, hazing, dubious consent involving a banana, misogyny, nsfw content, mentions of stalking, harassment, mental hospitals, mental health issues, physical violence, property destruction, mentions of immolation, mentions of homelessness, threats of security/police, general Dennis creepiness, and unjust treatment towards a survivor.
> 
> Writing for Dennis is. Certainly something else.

_“It took all the coke in town to bring down Dennis Brown. On the day my lung collapses, we'll see just how much it takes.”- Song for Dennis Brown_

***

The lights were low in the frat house and, with the help of speakers borrowed from the music department, Jay-Z was blasting loud enough to hurt Dennis’s ears. He and four of his brothers were sitting around a glass coffee table, eyes wide at the smorgasbord of drugs in front of them. Their dealer, an intimidating man named Jim, was leaning against Dennis’s chair.

“I’ve never seen this much coke in one place,” said his brother, Fred, in a reverent tone.

“I have,” lied Dennis. “My parties in high school kept people knocked out for days afterwards.”

The latter wasn’t entirely untrue. Dennis, Mac, and Charlie often were knocked out with hangovers several days in a row in high school. However, Bill Ponderosa’s house was bigger than his, so that’s where most of the ragers happened. Mac hadn’t sold cocaine back then; his dad’s friends refused to give him any until graduation. Even now, what little he got was cut with so much baking soda that he could use it to bake a cake. Most of what his old friend sold nowadays were poor people drugs so – Jim was a godsend.

“Buyer’s honors,” said the fraternity president. He handed Dennis a straw. Dennis snorted the line and –

***

“Goddamn, you’re tight,” he grunted as he thrust into the girl from behind. His hand tightly gripped her long, blonde hair. Pleasure radiated through his entire body; she moaned loudly, egging him on with each thrust. He tucked his face into her neck, panting heavily. Fuck – he was so close.

As his balls seized up, a realization smacked him in the face. Shit – he had no idea what her face looked like. Could be a real troll. He let go of her hair, and pulled out.

“Is something wrong?” she asked in a breathy voice.

“We should do missionary, baby,” he said. “I wanna look in your eyes.”

She turned over, and gave him a sultry look. Dennis let out a sigh of relief.

“You’re beautiful,” he said. She giggled.

“You’re not half bad yourself,” she said.

He eased back inside her with a groan. In two thrusts, he was gone.

***

“ – Goddamn, Adam Sandler is fucking hilarious,” said one of his brothers with a mouthful of popcorn. The box was sitting in Dennis’s lap, and leaking butter onto his jeans. He shoved a large handful into his mouth to avoid saying anything. Billy Madison was playing on TV.

_“Chlorophyll? More like BOREophyll.”_

His frat brothers broke into uproarious laughter. Dennis joined in, making sure to be extra loud. Liking Adam Sandler was very cool right now, for some asinine reason. In Dennis’s opinion, the man was incredibly irritating. Hopefully, the entire world would agree with him soon. Until then, well – he wasn’t going to trade his coolness for disliking a stupid comedian.

“He’s so funny!” said Dennis. “I’m his number one fan.”

The brother sitting on his left, Fred, held out a joint to him.

“Want a hit? He’s even funnier when you’re high,” he said.

“Definitely,” said Dennis. God, that had better be true. He grabbed the joint, and took a long draw from it. Then he handed it back to his brother, leaned back into his chair, and blew out the smoke.

“I dunno how you can hold that in for so long without coughing,” said Fred.

“I’m naturally gifted,” said Dennis. He picked up his beer can; it was empty. “Can someone pass me another cold one?”

***

“Don’t let this get to your head, but you make a killer margarita,” said Dee. She and Dennis were sitting shoulder to shoulder on the kitchen floor of her apartment. Dee didn’t have proper glasses, so they were drinking out of coffee-stained mugs.

“It would taste even better if there wasn’t the faint taste of coffee mixed in,” said Dennis.

“Oh, fuck off,” said Dee. “You know Becky has a stick up her ass and would report me for underage drinking.”

Dennis took another sip of his delicious drink. “You hid beer from Josephina all the time when we were kids. Put the glasses in your closet or some shit like you did back then.”

“Josephina thought they were for an art project,” said Dee. “Besides, Josephina wasn’t around all the time. This is the first time Becky hasn’t been in the apartment for like 700 years. I swear, she’s a hermit or something.”

Dee downed the rest of her drink, and leaned her head against the cabinets.

“I think she studies instead of banging her professors,” said Dennis.

“That was one time!” protested Dee. “Besides – you’re one to talk, Mister ‘buys-all-my-grades.’”

“I am doing a service to the international students!” said Dennis. “They are offering a product to help pay for living expenses and I am buying it. Some people would call that a good deed.”

Dee burst out into laughter. “You? Doing a good deed? Please. You wouldn’t know a good deed if it crawled up your ass.”

“I’ve done plenty of good deeds,” said Dennis.

“Really? Name one,” said Dee.

“I’m keeping you company tonight instead of letting you rot in your apartment alone,” said Dennis.

Dee looked down into her empty mug, and sighed.

“Wanna do some shots?”

***

“—You fucking asshole! I swear to god you had better get out of my apartment in three seconds or I’m calling the cops!”

Becky hit him over the head with her purse, and Dennis cried out in pain.

“What did I do?” He looked frantically around the apartment. Oh shit – trash everywhere, and his sister passed out in her own puke on the floor.

Becky grabbed him by the shoulders, and pushed him in the direction of the door. She hit him in the head with her purse again.

“Just get the hell out, and don’t come back!”

He ran for the exit. “You’re a crazy bitch!” he said. She slammed the door behind him –

***

“—What the hell are you doing here?” said the girl in a tight voice. Dennis was standing outside of some chick’s dorm room holding flowers. Must’ve blacked out and decided to re-DENNIS someone. Nice.

“You were the only woman I ever loved,” said Dennis.

The girl rested her hand in her face, and let out a shaky sigh. “Dennis, you have been stalking me for weeks. Please, leave me alone,” she said.

Weeks. Huh.

“It’s so sexy how you play hard to get,” said Dennis, moving closer. “I just find you irresistible—”

***

_. . .You must not do the following things to the person: harass, attack, threaten, assault. . ._

Dennis crumpled the paper into a ball, and tossed it into the trash. He grabbed the bottle of vodka next to his bed, and took a big drink. The liquor splashed all over his face and shirt. Furiously, he tore off his shirt, and threw it at the dresser. Then, he flopped down onto the floor.

No way in hell was he going to court over that bitch. If she couldn’t appreciate the gift of being in the presence of a god – fine. She wasn’t even that hot anyway.

A wave of exhaustion fell over him like a blanket. He turned onto his side, curled in on himself, and fell asleep –

***

Dennis woke with a jolt to the sound of muffled shouting and glass bottles smashing against the side of the house. He got to his feet, opened the blinds, and looked outside. Mac was throwing beer bottles at the house, and shouting incessantly. Dennis ran down the stairs, opened the door, and found himself face to face with an extremely drunk Charlie.

“– and another thing, Mr. Doorbell if that IS YOUR REAL NAME, you are FUCKING UGLY AS SHIT –” screamed Charlie. He was on his knees, and swaying back and forth.

“Charlie? What the hell are you doing here?” said Dennis.

Charlie’s face broke into a huge smile. “Hi, Dennis! Did you know that your doorbell is, like, a huge dick?” he said. Then, he collapsed into a dead faint. Dennis sighed, and stepped over him to jog to the side of the house. He could deal with Charlie’s body later.

“Hey, asshole!” shouted Dennis. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Mac looked over at Dennis, and his face lit up.

“HI DENNIS!” he shouted. Dennis clenched his fists, and glared at Mac. He grabbed the bottle out of Mac’s hand.

“Goddammit! You can’t just come to my frat in the middle of the night and throw bottles at the house!” yelled Dennis –

***

The coke euphoria hit his brain like a battering ram. It was obvious that it was impure, but goddamn – any coke was good coke. He twisted open a bottle of beer, and downed half to mellow out his high. Dennis threw the cap onto the gravel, sat on a rock, and looked over to see what Mac and Charlie were getting up to.

Charlie and Mac hadn’t moved on to beer yet. Instead, they seemed to be in a race to do as many cheap drugs as possible in a short amount of time. As they passed a can of paint thinner back and forth, Dennis said, “What are you guys doing?”

“Oh dude. It’s so awesome,” said Mac. “We’re on an epic drug bender right now.”

He grabbed the paint thinner from Charlie and huffed it.

“Uh. . .ok. Why?” said Dennis.

“Well, Mac’s life was really going to shit, so –”

Mac glared at Charlie. “My life wasn’t going to shit. I just figured out I needed to take my life in a new direction is all.”

“What was the old direction?” asked Dennis.

As Charlie unscrewed a bottle of cough syrup, he said, “He got fired from, like, a million jobs for getting drunk at work.”

“Charlie!” exclaimed Mac.

“I’m just telling him what happened!” said Charlie.

“You know that all of those firings were very unfair –” said Mac.

“OH MY GOD!” screamed Charlie. He looked over at Dennis. “It’s every day with this!”

He chugged the entire bottle of cough syrup, and tossed the empty bottle at the train tracks.

“You’re gonna be puking in about ten minutes,” said Mac.

“Whatever, dude. Pass me a beer,” said Charlie. Mac took a beer out of the box, and handed it to him. He cracked it open, and took a drink.

The railway signal started to ding and flash as it closed off the train tracks. Dennis finished off his beer.

“Train’s coming –”

***

“—Bend over fresh meat! Ass in the air!” shouted the fraternity president. One by one, the circle of half-naked pledges raised their asses to their potential brothers. His pledge was slender and youthful with a flat ass and a small dick. Dennis laughed hysterically as he dumped half of his beer along his pledge’s ass crack.

“You’re lucky to have me as your pledge dad,” he said. “Not all of the other pledges are lucky enough to get lubrication.”

His pledge closed his eyes, and bit his lip. Dennis stuck a finger in his pledge’s ass to prepare him for penetration with the ceremonial banana. Then, his nose started bleeding. Fuck.

“Hey, banana ass, hand me your shirt,” he ordered. His pledge took off his last piece of clothing, and held it up to Dennis. He grabbed the shirt, and held it up to his nose to soak up the blood.

“Listen up pledges!” said the fraternity president, strolling in a circle among the pledges. “On the count of three, your pledge dads are going to penetrate you with the ceremonial banana. Any criers, whiners, or protestors will be immediately escorted out of the house. Understood?”

“Yes sir!” said the pledges in unison.

“Good. One. . .two. . .three –”

***

“—Have you ever thought of lighting anyone on fire before?” asked Dee as Dennis made two neat lines of coke on a hand mirror. She tipped the bottle of tequila into her mouth, and spilled some on her shirt.

“Goddammit, Dee,” said Dennis. “Don’t waste liquor. If your aim is that piss-poor, put it in a cup with a straw.”

Dee gave him the finger. Dennis rolled his eyes.

“Real nice. Give the finger to your dear brother who is providing you with free cocaine –”

“You didn’t answer my question,” said Dee.

Dennis rested the credit card down next to the mirror.

“Yeah. All the time,” he said. Dee drank the tequila again, and winced as it slid down her throat. She wiped her mouth with the butt of her palm.

“What keeps you from doing it?” she asked. Dennis picked up his straw, and lined it up with the coke. He winked at himself in the mirror.

“Pyromania isn’t very sexy –”

***

A post-nasal drip of cocaine slid down Dennis’s throat as he hunched on all fours over his sleeping brother. He waved his hand over his brother’s face, and cackled when there was no response.

“He’s out cold! Couldn’t handle his liquor!”

The grin on Dennis’s face made his skin feel too tight. His eyes itched, and his nose burned. Heaviness rested at the base of his skull, threatening total collapse. His body was shaking.

“Who dares me to put the tip of my dick into his mouth?”

***

“—Of course I’d come to your birthday party! What kind of a blood brother do you think I am?” said Dennis. 

“I dunno, man,” said Mac, sounding zoned out. “I can’t remember the last time I saw you.”

“You can’t remember anything,” said Charlie, checking the oven.

“Bullshit. I can remember a lot of things. All the important stuff,” said Mac. He rubbed his eyes in a tired sort of way.

“How old are you?” said Charlie.

Mac looked at the ceiling, opened his mouth, and squinted in concentration.

“Really baked,” he said. Charlie gave Dennis a look.

“You’re turning 21, right?” said Dennis.

Mac closed his eyes, and laid on the floor. “Mhm.”

Charlie grabbed two pink party hats from the coffee table. He put on one, and threw the other one at Mac.

“C’mon, man. Get up! It’s your birthday!”

Mac opened his eyes, and glared at the hat.

“Dude, this is so gay. I’m not wearing it.”

“Oh my god!” yelled Charlie. “You’re the one who picked them out!”

Mac giggled. “There is no way that I picked out pink hats on purpose. Was this the day we scored those mushrooms from Schmitty?”

Charlie thought for a moment, and then his face broke out into an enormous grin.

“Oh shit, you’re right. Man, that was a great day. Wasn’t it?”

Mac strapped the hat onto his head. “I think so,” he said, an edge of uncertainty in his voice.

Dennis turned on the TV; the idle chatter was starting to irritate him. He flipped through the channels until he found some old Warner Brothers cartoons –

***

“—Hey, Dee,” Dennis slurred into the phone. “Wanna come over and do some coke? My treat.”

“Dennis, for the last time, you need to stop calling,” said the girl on the other end of the line. She sounded close to tears. Dennis frowned.

“You’re not Dee. Where’s Dee?”

“I’ve told you a thousand times. Dee is in the looney bin where she belongs,” said the girl.

“Are you sure?” said Dennis. “Cos you sound like a bitch who could be lying to me.”

“Goodbye, Dennis,” said the girl. Then, she hung up.

Dennis grabbed a bottle of vodka, and held it out in front of him.

“Just you and me tonight, buddy,” he said to the bottle. Dennis grinned, and tapped it with his pointer finger. “I love that you let me keep all the coke for myself –”

***

“—What do you mean, you want to stop?” said Dennis to the pretty girl underneath him. She sighed.

“I just don’t usually have sex with strangers, okay? This was really fun, but I don’t want to go any further with you.”

Dennis wrapped his hand around the girl’s wrist. He kissed her neck.

“Sure there isn’t anything I can do to change your mind?”

“No–”

***

The chilly air burned Dennis’s skin as he raced alongside his brother on the quad. His brother, Gale, was wearing a banana costume and running as fast as he could away from Dennis. A sack of bananas was slung over Dennis’s shoulder. Supposedly, the number of bananas that hit Gale would raise a certain amount of money for charity. However, that wasn’t the reason Dennis had volunteered to be the banana thrower. Gale was irritating as shit, and Dennis relished the opportunity to finally put him in his place.

“Hey! Banana face!” shouted Dennis in a hoarse voice. “Look fast!”

He lobbed another banana at Gale. It narrowly missed. Goddammit.

“I’m gonna mash you up, banana man!” said Dennis. A cackle erupted from his throat. His face ached. He threw another banana. It missed.

“Goddammit!” he exclaimed. There wasn’t enough air in his lungs. He was so _tired_.

Dennis threw another banana. It hit Gale with such force that he fell over onto his back. For charity’s sake, he threw a few more as he ran over to where his brother lay on the ground.

“How’d you like that, you sack of banana shit?” he said, grinning. The earth fell off its axis –

***

“—This is the disciplinary hearing for Mr. Dennis Reynolds. Major: Communications. Mr. Reynolds has been accused of sexual misconduct by Ms. Danielle Stevenson as well as several other women who choose to remain anonymous –”

***

“I think you know why I’m meeting with you today, Dennis,” said the fraternity president. They were sat in the special meeting room; nobody else was around. Dennis started to sweat.

“No idea,” said Dennis.

The fraternity president sighed. “Look. I think this trial is as bullshit as you do. You’re a good guy. But we can’t have Delta Omega Lambda looking like the rape fraternity. It’s bad P.R.”

“Are you kicking me out?” said Dennis. He clenched his fists until his nails caused a twinge of pain in his palms.

“Unfortunately, yes,” said the fraternity president. “But you’ll always be a brother in my heart –”

“No,” said Dennis in a cold voice. “No, this is not over, you son of a bitch!”

“I’m sorry. I know this must be very upsetting,” said the fraternity president, standing up. Dennis stood up too. He knocked his chair over for good measure.

“You can’t just kick me out!” he shouted. “I am legendary here! I am a god of this campus!”

“Dennis! Calm down!” the fraternity president said. Dennis stomped around the table until he was right in the president’s face.

“Don’t you tell me to calm down, you beer-gut half-wit swine!” said Dennis through gritted teeth. “This frat is nothing without me! Nothing!”

He pushed a few more chairs over for good measure.

“I really don’t want to do this, but if you don’t back away right now I’m calling security,” said the fraternity president.

 _Security_. Christ. Time to back down to more subtle threats.

“I will sue all of you for defamation and slander!” he said. “Mark my words –”

***

His new apartment was a tiny studio three blocks from campus. Charlie and Mac had said they would help him move in. However, neither of them showed up until seven-o-clock, and they were both drunk as shit. Now, Mac was smoking a joint while he rested his back on an unopened box. Charlie was passed out cold in his bathtub.  Dennis was pacing back and forth, back and forth, back and forth in front of an achingly loud television.

 “It just doesn’t make sense that this would happen to me,” said Dennis. “How could anyone be in my presence, especially for as long as they were, and decide that they’re too good for me? Who the fuck do they think they are?”

Mac shrugged. “I think they’re the people in your fraternity.”

Dennis sighed, and sat down next to Mac.

“Pass me that joint,” he said. Mac handed it to him; he took a few hits, and gave it back.

“Good bud, right?” said Mac. He finished off what little was left of the joint, and brushed the lit end on his palm to put it out. “I have more, if you want it –”

“How long have you and Charlie been on this bender?” asked Dennis. Mac furrowed his brow in thought.

“I dunno. What month is it?” he asked.

“You don’t even know the month?” said Dennis.

“I’m homeless, man,” said Mac. “I don’t have a goddamn calendar.”

He drew his knees up to his chest, and wrapped his arms around his legs.

“Shit, dude,” said Dennis. “I didn’t know you were homeless. That’s rough.”

“No it’s not. Don’t pity me,” said Mac, sharply. “I’m a badass drifter, ok? I couch surf. I’m not some loony with a shopping cart or a cardboard sign.”

“Hey, you don’t have to be so defensive. I’m drifting too. I get it,” said Dennis.

Mac nodded. “I am getting tired of not having a home, though. The life of a drifter is hard sometimes.”

“Tell you what,” said Dennis. “When you and Charlie are all done being drifters on purpose or whatever, I'll break my lease on this piece of shit studio and we’ll find a two bedroom apartment together. Because dude, I already miss having 24/7 access to a wingman.”

Mac’s face lit up. “That sounds awesome –”

***

“—Took you long enough to come visit me, asshole,” said Dee. She glowered at him from across the visiting room table. Her glare was more subdued than the last time he saw her. Exhaustion radiated from her pores. She was drugged to the gills.

“I’ve had a lot going on,” he said. Dee snorted.

“So have mom and dad,” she said. “You’re my first visitor.”

She rubbed her eyes, and yawned.

“Jeez, sis. How many drugs to they have you on?”

“Tons,” said Dee. “Picture yourself at a really great party. That many drugs.”

“Sounds fun. Maybe I should ask them to put me in the hospital too,” deadpanned Dennis.

“You might not have to ask,” said Dee. “That nurse over there has been eyeing you up. No offense, but you look like hell.”

Dennis sighed. “My frat kicked me out. Some bitch accused me of sexual misconduct.”

“Was she telling the truth?” asked Dee.

“I don’t even know,” said Dennis. “I blacked out.”

“I think you gotta ease up on the drugs a little,” said Dee.

Dennis laughed. “Maybe. I don’t even know how I got here. Blacked out everything before this conversation. The security in here is really shit to let me in so easily.”

Dee frowned at him. “Dennis. . .I know what you look like when you’re not sober. You definitely are right now.”

A weight settled in Dennis’s stomach. “Huh. That’s weird.”

“Yeah. . .” said Dee. “I’ve never blacked out like that before.”

“What do I do with that information?” asked Dennis.

Dee shrugged. “I wouldn’t read into it too much. It probably will work itself out.”

Dennis nodded, chewing over the information he was about to swallow.

“I’ll keep an eye on it.”


End file.
